How Routines Create a Better Sex Life
I have never considered myself a morning person. In fact, I would often refer to those first daylight hours as my ‘mourning.’ Now I can say, thankfully that I am no longer a ‘mourning’ person! I credit my new love of mornings simply to: A commitment to a planned ROUTINE.
“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” Benjamin franklin
When the brain is tired, weak, or just plain out of it, it should not be responsible for making rational decisions. Putting routines and plans into place takes the weak decision making process out of the mix. As all other mammal species we still carry many animalistic traits within our being. We crave direction, goals, rewards and consequences. But unlike most trained animals, we are capable of training ourselves. We can put into place simple routines, rewards and consequences (most consequences come as a result of poor actions, not actual discipline) that can positively set up our day... month... year... life!
A routine is essentially a goal. One that, once achieved, can lead to a host of future goals that can shape the success of your life and positively impact those around you. But a morning routine doesn’t just start the moment you wake up. No good morning routine is complete without a corresponding evening routine. Setting up a plan for the morning by going to sleep in a healthy productive fashion is essential for the follow-through of your morning routine.
“Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.”~Tony Robbins
What happens when you DO NOT have a morning routine?
You might go out and have a few drinks. You get to bed later than usual. You would like to go to the gym but since you are going to bed late, ‘you will see how you feel in the morning,’ which as we know, almost always ends up being a no. You wake up groggy and decide that the snooze button is more important than the health of your body. Your foggy and tired brain tells you to just leave the house and pick up a coffee and bagel on the way to work. Now you are over-caffeinated, under-hydrated and although you are trying to rationalize that going out and having fun is a great part of life, you are silently criticizing yourself for not going to the gym, for eating shitty and for falling into the trap of “average.” You then go home to your partner feeling like a loser after having beat yourself up for most of the day due to your lack of willpower. You do not feel sexy, you do not feel motivated, and in no way do you feel like having animalistic, passionate, mind-blowing sex!
Unfortunately when you make average decisions you get average results. The average person will chose to pick up a beer instead of a book. The average person will chose to watch TV when they get home instead of make love to their partner. The average person will go out to eat instead of making a healthy lunch. The average person will settle for average!
“If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.”~Tony Robbins
Failure is a part of success. This is the difference between an average person and a successful person. The average person is often too afraid of failure to ever get to success. To succeed at failure is a closer step to success. It can take many failure to get to an accomplishment of a steady routine. I know for myself, my monkey demon mind won many times before I finally told it to shut the fuck up. But once you finally take hold of the reins, one success turns into another, turns into another, turns into every dream you have becoming a reality.
Success consists of going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill
But remember that perfection is not what we are striving for here! We are only human and the constant continuation of anything will most certainly lead to utter boredom! So do not be hard on yourself if you just don’t feel like it one day. It certainly can be nourishing for the soul to occasionally sleep in, snuggle up and binge on some Netflix, or indulge on a delicious treat. Focus on what you mostly do, not on what you sometimes do!
How does this relate to sex?
The way you feel about yourself directly relates to the way you show up in the bedroom. When are you most likely in the mood for long, sensual, intimate love-making? I’m not talking about the roll-on top quickie. I’m talking about the type of sex that leaves you drenched, sore, connected, and completely satisfied. Is it after you downed 2 beers and 3 pieces of pizza or is if after you had a fulfilling successful day, ate healthy and just got done at the gym? We all know the answer. No need to be redundant.
What happens when you DO have a morning routine?
You come home from work with a goal to not turn on the TV, to not waste time on social media, and to be present with yourself and those around you. You make a healthy dinner and create a calm atmosphere for the rest of the evening. Maybe you take some time to work on an artistic project that you have been putting off. Maybe you practice an instrument that you have been wanting to learn. Maybe you take some time to read to your kids or help them with their homework. Maybe you draw your spouse a bath and give them a relaxing a massage. You finish the night by giving your body some self love with whatever hygienic night time rituals you have. You remove all electronics from the bedroom, dive into a book or mediation and fall into a deep, relaxing, restorative sleep. You then wake completely refreshed. You make your bed, you wash your face and brush your teeth, you stretch and complete a few sun salutations and then proceed to follow whatever routine you have committed to. Write this routine down. Tell somebody else so that you can be accountable. What will follow? A happy day, a happy wife, a happy life! The previous evening was relaxing and possibly a prep for a future evening of erotic, sensual or downright raunchy fornication! Winning!
So what does my morning routine consist of?
I have to remember that I can be completely selfish in my morning routine as I have absolutely no responsibility to children, pets or a spouse. So I understand that much of what my routine consists of may not be a possibility for most. It is not meant to be emulated, just to simply take note of. So here it is:
In the evening, I try to be home and done with work and social activities by 8pm. I make sure my day consists of fulfilling, healthy, whole foods. I turn my phone off at 9pm and put it in a drawer. I spend the rest of the evening reading, doing self-massage, medibating, practicing a trade, stretching my body, dabbling in the esoteric arts, or other weird shit that is better left unsaid! I go to sleep by 11:30pm. I set an old fashion alarm clock, since all electronics are left out of my room, and wake by 7:30am. I do not snooze and write in a dream journal as soon as my eyes open and I can recall the subconscious mind’s evening events. Then I spend at least an hour doing yoga or meditating and commit to not looking at my phone until after such activities are complete. I answer some emails, texts, messages and schedule my day. I proceed with breakfast and showering. Then I’m off to my studio in preparation for a day of beautifully channeled erotic magick!
The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion. – Paulo Coelho
The success of your life choices lead to an ecstatic sex life AND an ecstatic sex life leads to successful life choices. Sex is often not talked about by motivational speakers. It is a shadow that stays hidden, only to be revealed in the bedroom. But sex is life and a successful life begins and ends with the way we show up intimately with others as well as ourselves. How will you show up and how committed can you be to making the choices that make you a lion and not a sheep, in and out of the bedroom!?
WHAT IS SUBDROP? (PART II)
As one starts to come down from subspace the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and the body stops producing the morphine like chemicals that activated the prior high. This can crash the body and mind in a way that may be perceived as negative or scary but is actually just your body physically and emotionally recovering.
SUBDROP
I don’t like to see any experience as right or wrong, good or bad, they are just simply--experiences. After intense scenes or body play sessions where people go into subspace (refer to this blog post for more about subspace) one can experience what is referred to as subdrop. My opinion is that the more we educate ourselves and are ensured that what we are feeling is common, subdrop doesn’t have to be seen as negative consequence, yet it can be seen as a necessary outcome that the body and spirit must experience as a comedown from such a magically high space.
So what exactly is subdrop?
As one starts to come down from subspace the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and the body stops producing the morphine like chemicals that activated the prior high. This can crash the body and mind in a way that may be perceived as negative or scary but is actually just your body physically and emotionally recovering.
Symptoms can include:
(Immediate)
Incoherence
Out-of-body feeling
Dizziness
Lethargy
Drop in temperature
Lack of coordination
(Later)
Exhaustion
Depression
Guilt
Loneliness
It is important to remember that this is a natural chemical response that your body may go through and to take proper measurements to give yourself plenty of self-care and love until you are feeling balanced again.
How to Avoid Subdrop
I hate to use the word avoid, as it indicates that one must avoid the above mentioned symptoms but I do put practices into place to reduce or eliminate such effects when possible.
First it is important to know that much of what I do will not send you into an emotional upheaval. Most of my sessions are more relaxing and meditative in nature, which can incite a gentler subspace following little to no subdrop. However, I believe that everyone gets the experience that they need and some people may be called to go higher. As the laws of physics exist on this plane, what goes up must come down.
After a session, I bring the sub down very slowly, giving them time to integrate back into their body and the space around them. I try not to encourage too much talking as many people feel incoherent and aren’t able to fully process what is going on. After a slow transition, a nice shower, and some chocolate most people are refreshed and able to go on with their day. Some prefer to take it easy, giving their body and mind time to relax. Also, I am always available for processing, questions, concerns or feedback later that day or the next day if needed.
Finally, a big part of my sessions, which I have found to profoundly impact the increase of subspace and the decrease of subdrop, is the use of Binaural Beat and Solfeggio Frequencies.
*Learn more about Binaural Beat and Solfeggio Frequencies in this blog
WHAT IS BONDASSAGE® SUBSPACE? (PART I)
Subspace is also a term coined by the BDSM community meaning an altered state of consciousness, mainly achieved by a bottom/submissive through physical sensory pleasure or pain, psychological scene play or both.
Subspace Origin
Where did the word subspace come from? Subspace is a scientific and mathematical term but interestingly, was later popularized by the writers of Star Trek. In the series Star Trek subspace is a form of interstellar travel or way of transmitting information via faster than light travel technology.
Later, Courtney Brown, Ph.D., professor of political science and statistics at the University of Georgia in Atlanta redefined the term as, “separating the physical from the nonphysical realms without imposing a more rigorous view of dimensional complexity on either of those realms.” (p. 22, Remote Viewing: The Science and Theory of Nonphysical Perception)
To expand further on Brown’s definition, he then implies that while in subspace one can not only reach higher states of consciousness in different realms but that one can also reach other dimensional beings. “An aspect of each of us exists in subspace, as do other beings. People who no longer reside in our physical space “live” in subspace. It is not accurate to say that these are “dead” people, since they are very much alive.” (p. 43, Cosmic Voyage) Basically Brown is saying that subspace is the space between the physical and the non-physical world. Trippy right!?
Other words relating to subspace
Akasha
There are many other relative words that can be described as a similar space to subspace, one being Akasha. The Akashic records are a widely known dimension in which all of the records of the past are imprinted. However, the origin of Akasha basically translates to “subtle space.” It is a place accessible by the mind, in between realms, where higher consciousness and knowledge can be obtained.
Floating World
Another word that I am drawn to in this regard is Ukiyo. The Japanese word Ukiyo translates to “Floating World” and was popularized in the Edo-period Japan (1600–1867). Ukiyo was not only a concept but also a district that inhabited the most erotic and hedonist brothels of the time.
But the origin of the word, as it insinuates, translates further to "transient world" of Buddhist tradition. It became of word known to describe a hedonistic, carefree, extravagant, naughty type of lifestyle; a space between reality and fantasy.
"Living only for the moment, savouring the moon, the snow, the cherry blossoms, and the maple leaves, singing songs, drinking sake, and diverting oneself just in floating, unconcerned by the prospect of imminent poverty, buoyant and carefree, like a gourd carried along with the river current: this is what we call ukiyo." ("Tales of the Floating World", c. 1661)
Eroto-comatose lucidity
One term that particularly fascinates me, Eroto-comatose lucidity, is a sex magic ritual originally created by Aleister Crowley in 1912. The book Modern Sex Magick: Secrets of Erotic Spirituality describes the ritual and how to reach Eroto-comatose lucidity:
“A common form of the ritual uses repeated sexual stimulation (but not to physical orgasm) to place the individual in a state between full sleep and full wakefulness as well as exhaustion, allowing the practitioner to commune with their god.”
“In the first part of the ritual, the aides seek repeatedly both to arouse the ritualist sexually as well as to exhaust him.”
“In the second part of the ritual, the aides seek to come close to awakening the ritualist through sexual stimulation alone. Most practitioners agree with Crowley that every means of arousal may be used, such as physical stimulation, genital stimulation, psychological stimulation, devices (such as sex toys), or drugs (an entheogen like hashish, marijuana, or other aphrodisiacs).”
“The goal is not to fully awaken her or him, but rather to bring them to the brink of wakefulness.”
“This step is repeated indefinitely until the ritualist reaches a state between sleep and wakefulness in which communing with a higher power may occur. The ritualist may also conduct spiritual work while in this state, or witness mystical events.”
THE VERSION RELATIVE TO YOU-Submissive SUBSPACE Definition
Okay, now that a little historical background has been given, I will get into the meaning of the subspace that I primarily will be referring to. Subspace is also a term coined by the BDSM community meaning an altered state of consciousness, mainly achieved by a bottom/submissive through physical sensory pleasure or pain, psychological scene play or both.
So why does subspace occur?
It is quite scientific when fully examined. When the body is overloaded with a host of different sensations, whether pleasurable or painful, the body goes into a state of fight or flight. When our body perceives this sort of overload it triggers a sympathetic nervous system response which releases numerous chemicals. These chemicals mainly consist of adrenaline, endorphins, and enkephalins (primarily released during painful scenes and acts as a natural pain reliever).
Because these chemicals can act on the brain in the same way as morphine or psychedelic drugs, it can induce a trance like state. During this trance one may feel many different things including:
Out of body experience
Enhanced sensory perception
Decreased sensory perception
Feeling of floating
Feeling of a connection with a higher consciousness
Ability to recall past memories or past lives
Ability to connect with deceased loved ones
Any of these states can produce a huge shift in consciousness as well as feelings of great euphoria and bliss. However, as the high subsides (this can occur immediately or hours or days later) the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in which can induce exhaustion, lethargy and even temporary depression. *This reaction called subdrop and is discussed in this blog post.
Why are we discussing this??
This state of consciousness is very relevant to the sessions that I offer, especially when it comes to my Bondassage and Elysium sessions. To easily reach subspace the use of headphones and a blindfold, which is standard in any Bondassage session, is essential! By creating an atmosphere free of distraction, through the use of specifically selected musical beats and sensory deprivation, the mind and body are free to let go into a world rarely experienced.
However, not everyone can reach this state. It is not guaranteed nor should it be an expectation.
Spiritual Subspace
As Aleister Crowley wrote, as well as other mystics and shamans throughout time, sex magic or intense sensory stimulation has been used for centuries to reach higher states of consciousness.
Subspace can be a very spiritual experience. Depending on the participant, subspace can either be simply a chemically induced body response or it could be small proof that indeed there is more than the small existence that we know to be our reality.
There are several aspects that are necessary in order to fall deep into a subspace realm. Whether through conscious thoughts/actions or a subconscious awareness one must:
Be grounded and relaxed (I take time to do basic energy work prior to starting a session in an effort to ground and relax my subs)
Feel like they are in a safe space (I have spent much time and effort creating a space that is beautifully magically. I also take the time to do clearings to create an energetically safe environment.)
Feel safe with a partner or practitioner (One of my main jobs is to ensure that all of my subs feel safe and loved during their time with me)
Be willing to let go (The need to have control is the leading cause that inhibits clients from reaching subspace, especially the first time. However after several sessions the process becomes easier.)
Keep an open mind (Those that have some sort of awareness that certainly there are dimensions beyond our 3D world are more likely to feel comfortable navigating beyond our reality. Those having experience with any sort of hallucinogen are familiar with this concept. From a shaman point of view, the belief is that there is a lower world, a middle world (that in which we reside) and an upper world. Experienced travelers are better able to navigate between worlds.)
However, I have seen anxious, logical minded, inexperienced subs, to my surprise, go into subspace. This is always exciting for me because they come out of a session with a shift in consciousness that can leave them questioning the world around us for the better.
Whether you see subspace as simply a chemically influenced body response or you see it as small proof that indeed there is something beyond our perceived reality, it can be fucking awesome! So what are you waiting for? Let’s give it a try!
Binaural Beats and Solfeggio Frequencies to induce Subspace and decrease Subdrop during BONDASSAGE® (PART III)
In this day and age, technology can be an amazing tool to aid in the progression of our evolutionary state. Throughout ancient times scientists and mystics alike have preached the benefits of certain frequencies and beats, claiming that once we have tuned our own frequency to the original state of resonance, we are then capable of coming into our god-like beings, finding the key to the universe.
Binaural Beats and Solfeggio Frequencies to induce Subspace and decrease Subdrop
In my own meditative practices I have used many methods to reach higher states of consciousness including sex magick, plant medicines, neurofeedback, dance, drumming, and more recently, binaural beats and solfeggio frequencies.
In this day and age, technology can be an amazing tool to aid in the progression of our evolutionary state. Throughout ancient times scientists and mystics alike have preached the benefits of certain frequencies and beats, claiming that once we have tuned our own frequency to the original state of resonance, we are then capable of coming into our god-like beings, finding the key to the universe.
What are binaural beats?
The Immrama Institute states:
“Binaural beats were originally discovered in 1839 by physicist Heinrich Wilhelm Dove. He discovered when signals of two different frequencies are presented separately, one to each ear, your brain detects the phase variation between the frequencies and tries to reconcile that difference.
"In doing so, as the two frequencies mesh in and out of phase, your brain creates its own third signal — called a binaural beat — which is equal to the difference between those two frequencies.”
“For example, if a frequency of 100 Hz is presented to your left ear, and a frequency of 105 Hz is presented to your right ear, your brain “hears” a third frequency pulsing at 5 Hz, the exact difference between the two frequencies.”
“Research has proven that introducing a binaural beat will cause the brain to begin resonating in tune with that beat. By creating a binaural beat at 10 Hz — an Alpha frequency — you can trigger your brain to resonate at that same 10 Hz frequency, automatically inducing brain activity in the Alpha range. This same technique can be used to quickly and easily guide your mind into any state.” (Immrama Institute)
“By matching the maps with the changes that occur with [binaural beats], they can, quite literally at the flick of a switch, make one’s mind resonate mechanically like that of a great seer or mystic who has spent a lifetime exploring the boundaries of consciousness. The Monroe Institute’s most interesting achievement is the discovery of a set of frequencies that allows individuals to perceive an area of nonphysical existence where life thrives.” (p. 43, Cosmic Voyage)
What are Solfeggio Frequencies?
Attuned Vibrations states:
“Solfeggio frequencies make up the ancient 6-tone scale thought to have been used in sacred music, including the beautiful and well known Gregorian Chants. The chants and their special tones were believed to impart spiritual blessings when sung in harmony. Each Solfeggio tone is comprised of a frequency required to balance your energy and keep your body, mind and spirit in perfect harmony.”
“Our modern day musical scale is out of sync when compared with the original Solfeggio scale. According to Joachim Ernst-Berendt, the 12-Tone Equal Temperament mistunes all consonant intervals except the octave. Our modern scale can create situations such ‘boxed-in’ thinking, stuffed and suppressed emotions, fear-based or lack consciousness, all of which then tend to manifest into physical symptoms called ‘dis-ease’ or disease.” (Attuned Vibrations)
“According to entries from the original Apocrypha, these original frequencies are believed to be effective in; turning grief to joy, undoing situations and facilitating change, helping a person connect with Source to bring forth miracles, repairing DNA, connecting with spiritual family and understanding relationships, becoming more expressive to solve problem situations, and finally, awakening intuition to return to spiritual order. Through sound, these tones can assist energy channels to stay open and keep the life force (Chi) flowing freely through the chakra system.” (Sol Awakening)
How do I apply these tones to my sessions?
Sensory deprivation, with the use of a blindfold and headphones plays an important role in the ability for my subs to let go and go into a magical, pleasure produced subspace. Music through the delivery of high-end headphones goes a long way in this process.
To get the benefit of binaural beats one must use headphones as it produces different frequencies in each ear, enabling the brain to adjust to the alpha frequency range. With the addition of solfeggio frequencies the results may take you to a different state of consciousness as well as being capable of producing numerous physical and psychological healing benefits.
“According to neuroscientists, the effect of decreasing the brain rhythm from beta to alpha via deep relaxation techniques and the use of binaural beats brain entrainment, changes the levels of certain beneficial brain chemicals significantly increasing beta-endorphin, norepinephrine and dopamine.” (Zen Lama)
As adrenaline, endorphins and enkephalins are depleted from the body during subspace, the increase of beta-endorphin, norepinephrine and dopamine during a binaural beat induced alpha state could contribute to the greater occurrence of subspace and lower occurrence of subdrop.
Other benefits include:
Features and Benefits of an Alpha State
Brain hemispheres becoming naturally synchronized, or in-phase with each other
Less absent-minded awareness and daydreaming
Remembrance of our dreams and meditative states
Conscious and subconscious link-- gateway to meditation.
Receptivity to casual and auto-suggestions (hypnosis state)
Increased vividness enhancing creative visualization and imagination
Increased memory retention, concentration & focus for super learning
Health benefits include:
Reduction of anxiety
Reduction of stress and depression
Reduction of chronic pain
Lowers high blood pressure
Increase in athletic performance
Increase in cerebral blood flow
Increase in motivation, energy, and happiness
Whether the use of binaural beats and solfeggio frequencies can beneficially affect your subspace is not guaranteed as everybody is different and no scientific studies have been conducted to conclusively prove this. This is simply a theory of mine through the observation of those that I have had the pleasure of working with. All I know for sure is that technology, like most things, can be used for good or bad. This is one example of how technology can lend a helping hand towards the accelerated advancement of our consciousness. But there is only one way to find out for sure...give it a try!
